How do you feel?
New mothers are asked this question tenfold. In the beginning, it was solely survival for me. The answers I gave to friends and family who asked out of love and concern– varied depending on the time of day or whether I had figured out latching with my baby. Now, at five months postpartum, with a little less volatility in my day to day compared to the newborn stage, you would think I have a clearer grasp on how I am feeling.
Truthfully, I don’t know or have a clear idea of how I feel or how I am doing. So much of my energy is channeled toward my baby that it’s difficult to remember who I even was before postpartum. This is certainly not to scare or fend off those who may want to enter into the realm of motherhood. It’s important to normalize that our identities are allowed to shift or feel unclear after monumental life transitions.
Ambiguity about myself was not something I had anticipated experiencing after having my baby. The lines of our”self” blur when a new bundle of life is utterly reliant on you. In a culture where multi-tasking and bouncing back is valued, my slower approach has often felt unproductive or counterintuitive to the external messaging we receive.
The other roles in my life (as a partner or a professional) feel distant, a fog that separates me from “everything” else. The irony is, as a “mother” I don’t know if I feel wholly comfortable with that singular definition either–aren’t I much more than “just” a mother?
In this transitory phase, I try to remind myself: What is the need to fit into a box? I’m changing every single day, just like my baby. Though I may not be growing adorable cheeks and thigh rolls like them, my evolution continues, and it’s ok if I’m not entirely sure where it’s headed to next.
